Beyond Reason by Rob Perez

At the time of writing these words, the world is metaphorically and literally on fire. Climate change is here. Our national political landscape is like a war zone. The geopolitical landscape currently hosts multiple, actual war zones. And, for some reason, in spite of there being thousands of better ways you can spend your time, many people play pickleball. With all the troubles in the world, sometimes the best thing we can do is consider the gourd.

Before we get into just what is a gourd, let me just say that Beyond Reason does not claim to know anything about anything but that’s doubly true about gourds. Should you need to know the real truth about gourds, first ask yourself: How did your life get to a place where you need to know the real truth about gourds? Next, maybe find a botanist, I guess. They might know something.

So just what is a gourd? A gourd is two things: 1) a gourd is a specific category of plant that is used for decorative and practical and non-culinary purposes; 2) a Gourd (note the capital letter “G”) is a broader category of plants within the Cucurbitaceae family that includes: pumpkin, squash, zucchini, cucumbers, melons, and, um, gourds.

Let me attempt to clarify. A pumpkin is a Gourd but a Gourd is not a pumpkin nor is a pumpkin is a gourd. A squash is a Gourd but a Gourd is not a squash nor is a squash is a gourd. Finally, a gourd is a Gourd but a Gourd is not a gourd. Got it? Great. Can you explain it to me?

Quickly moving on…

Gourds, the decorative and practical plant, are the kind of thing you can put in and around the house this time of year and your neighbors will consider you “seasonally inclined”. Gourds come in a variety of shapes (round, oval, cylindrical, bottle-shaped, bulbous/pear shaped, and the snake) ranging from the very odd to the slightly more very odd.

I can hear the impatient nudging from the cheap seats: Yes, yes, man. Enough about the decorative gourd. Tell us more about the practical gourd.

Fine. The practical gourd has many uses. You may use a gourd for a child’s rattle or a pair of maracas. Some gourds also make good vessels for carrying water. Other gourds can be cut open and turned into longish spoons. One question about the practical gourd: Is a longish spoon really that practical?

Gourds, the decorative and practical plant, are bad to eat but mostly great for comedy. I say “mostly” great because for some reason, the plant and family, I think, inspires many puns: What happens when you drop a pumpkin? It goes squash! You look gourdgous! Oh my gourd! Gourd vibes only. Life’s a gourd but then you pie. The Gourd, the Bad and the Ugly.

More capable comedic minds have done much better with the gourd. David Ostow, a New Yorker cartoonist, has a great series of Pumpkin versus Gourd. I especially like Pumpkin versus Gourd in combat sports. The pumpkin wears a sumo mawashi (loincloth) and the taller, thinner gourd rocks a karate gi (robe).

In the 1979 film, “Monty Python’s The Life of Brian”, Brian wants to evade the Romans by quickly purchasing a false beard from a Shopkeeper. The Shopkeeper, intent on haggling, has thrown a free gourd into the offer.

Shopkeeper: Four for this gourd? Look at it! It’s worth ten if it’s worth a shekel!

Brian: But you just gave it to me for nothing?

Shopkeeper: Yes, but it’s worth ten.

Brian: Alright.

Shopkeeper: No, no, no, no. It’s not worth ten. You’re supposed to argue. “Ten for that? You must be mad!”

-The Shopkeeper looks up and sees that Brian has disappeared.

Shopkeeper: Oh well. One born every minute.

In conclusion, the world is still on fire. While I don’t know exactly what’s to be done about it, I can tell you that, at least for me, just knowing that there are gourds out there somewhere and, also, there are Gourds out there somewhere else, is very confusing. Perhaps, in these uncertain times, maybe the confusing gourd/Gourd is just what humanity needs?